I can't deliver something sweet or something delicate. I'm not that kind of person. I can only offer what I have and for some reason, all that ever is, is sadness. My world, my hopes, my every dream ends in sadness for me. I don't mean to sound angsty, or over-emotional. It's not the sadness where I want to die or I cry my eyes out constantly. It's really just a dull ache which leads to the topic I want to talk about.

My therapist told me she didn't need to see me anymore. That I was over the bad things that happened in my life and that I was on my way to a really good recovery. I am still on my medication and that scares me. I see my psychiatrist on September 5th and to be honest, we're speaking about what's going to happen to my medication.

I don't want to keep taking it. I want to believe that once I am slowly weened off of these pills that things won't change. That my life will still be the way I see it now. Full of possibilities. Sure I have hard times, but I just breeze past them. I make ways over and under and around them and if I can't, I take it head on.

Last time I went off my pills, it was bad. It ended badly and I was depressed. Not for the mere fact I was off of my pills, but also because I thought I was really going to be okay without them. They give you this false sense of security and I think that's the problem with anti-depressants. You believe you're happy and okay and then you go off them and you begin to relapse. Everything comes flooding back and you lose site of all those ambitions you had before. I wish I could just tell myself it's my seratonin levels and get over it, but I can't.

Not only is my grandfather in the hospital, but my nana is also. She's dying, basically. She's held on strong for three years after Tony died but I think the news of my grandfather (her first husband) having cancer pushed her over the edge. I don't know how long she's going to hold out really.

I want to believe I'm okay with it. That I've accepted it and it's not just the pills speaking for me. I also want to think that I'm over him. So far I've been okay with talking about him, seeing him, and just all together hearing about him. It doesn't bother me now. But what if that's because of the pills? Do I want to go back to that emptiness again because I just don't want to take a pill every night before I go to bed? Better yet, do I want to feel how I should feel? How I was programmed to feel?

I'm not sure anymore. I really just don't know.