I open my eyes to a meadow. It is unkept and wild, with tall grass and flowers. The sky is empty without a cloud in site but the sun is shining so bright that it pains me to look towards the blue of the sky. I am barefoot, dressed in a knee length skirt and a t-shirt. In my hands I am clutching the hem of my skirt.

I take a step forward, knowing I'm here for a reason. I take another step and look around. I can feel my heart beating faster as I realize there is no one to be seen for miles. I breathe in deeply and feel my heart contracting. To each there is a pain that I have never suffered before.

Sitting down, I can feel an emptiness inside that I have never felt before. A vastness of lonliness begins to pour inside and the utter hopelessness enters. No, he isn't coming back and no matter how long you search this earth, this meadow, he will not materialize. He won't speak the words you long to hear and he won't hug you with the arms you long to feel. These are the simple facts of life and yet they are the hardest to understand. He isn't gone, entirely. No, his memories live on, he lives on within you but that just isn't good enough right now. Thoughts enter my mind. What ifs. What if I forget how he laughed or how he smiled. Maybe I'll forget his eyes, or his hands. His eyes, my eyes. Everyone says I look like him. Not only am I afraid people won't be able to love me because of that, but I'm afraid I'll never stop missing him because I'll always see him in myself.

Laying down within the meadow, I let the viscous sadness enter me. I cry and I wail. I sob and I choke on the saliva and the words I'll never get to say to him. This is truly what loss must feel like. This is what a heart breaking really feels like. I always miss him and though I won't make it my mission to find him, I will walk this meadow until I do see him. I love him. I won't say goodbye because I know it'll only be some time before I see him once again.