I sit and stare at the water passing me by. The cold wind brushes against my arms and the leaves ruffle, some falling to their inevitable death. I look down at the grass and begin to stare at the carnage that Autumn has left so far. The crushed, the ripped, the crinkled leaves lying on the ground helplessly as people walk all over them.

The crisp air makes it known that the water will be far too cold for anything, not that I was planning on doing anything in the water. These meanlingless observations are what keep me from thinking about the absence that seems to fill every aspect of my life. Parts of my life that never involved him now have everything to do with him. He effects my work, my school, my therapy sessions. I want to think about something else, I want to walk away from the spot I so foolishly find myself sitting in all the time.

I can feel my bottom lip beginning to quiver, my brow furrowing. I stand up and let the wind wash over my face, drying any tears that were building up. I walk down the lonely path of fallen leaves and concrete, remembering all the times we would walk this path to the store. It's too beautiful in the Autumn, much more so than the Spring or Summer. Winter is impossible to walk through when it comes to this path.

I want to turn away from this path. I want to leave this place because my heart hurts too much when I'm here. I'm surrounded with the memories and the tears fall and then I feel empty inside. I begin to feel that absence that he has left, the piece of me that he took with me when he left. My body feels crippled, as if I walk with a gait or my eye twitches far too much. The wind carries me down the path to where I had to sit you down and run home to call her at work. Where you were really sick and throwing up. You were so proud that I had calmed you down when the snake came. You were so proud that I was making sure you were drinking water and sitting down. I had let you feel like you could do it and finally said you couldn't and you listened.

How could I have not known that that was just a pre-cursor? How could I have not seen that it was obviously a premonition of what was about to happen? It makes me feel as if I didn't do my duty as a person, a nurse, your daughter. I should have known and though people explain I could never have known, that isn't the case. My irrational thought is with me and I won't step down from it.

I still feel like I'm dreaming. Like she never came in and told me at midnight at my boyfriend's house. That going home and crying; the private viewing and the funeral were all nightmares. That you're still here somehow and you're so sad that I'm not talking to you. But I want to. I wish I could. I need your encouragement, I need your face or your arms or something tangible. I need to feel you near me because I just can't keep going on like this. I can't keep thinking of obvious, stupid facts to get my mind off you. I need to look past this and I can't because you were too big. You were too much a part of my life and it hurts so bad to know you aren't here anymore.

It hurts to know that this Friday at my graduation, I won't see your smiling, proud face, fighting tears. I won't get your hug, I won't get told, "I'm so proud of you, Heather. I love you." I won't go out for dinner with you. I won't have you there and it kills me the more I think about it.

I just want it to stop. Just to stop.