mondays and tuesdays are early days for me. school and my alarm clock pushes me to roll out of bed and put on this facade. to put on some sort of show for those that are near me. i don't want them to see how i hurt. i don't want them to realize that i'm not coping too well.

these days are the days i don't have that lightness before i wake up. where i don't feel you there. these are the days where i forget that you left for someplace better. someplace that could offer you everything you needed. i find comfort in that.

i find little comfort in events, objects, or conversations. i don't feel as if i'm getting better but i know i'm getting by. i change my clothes. i touch my hair, my head. i slowly walk down the darkened stairs and for a split second, i can feel you. i can feel that you're still here. i keep walking, this sharp hope exploding inside my chest. i'm waiting to come to the end of the stairs where i'll see the living room light on. where i will see you with your feet on a pillow which is on the coffee table. where your glasses will be at the end of your nose and a blanket around your bare torso. where you'll be reading a book and you'll look up and ask why i'm up so early. i guess in this case you'd ask what i'm going to be doing in school today.

so for this split second, i have this hope in me that is only set up for failure. i find that once i see that living room darkened, once i stop feeling your presence, that you're gone. that i've stumbled onto the misty world of memories that seem to come alive.

i look out the window, imagining seeing the back of your head as you read your book. a plate of crackers beside you. watching the animals, watching the leaves, saying hi to everyone that passes the house. it's almost like you're there and then you start to fade away.

you're always fading away. it hurts to reach out, to stumble for arms that are disappearing right before your eyes. i've skinned my knees and hands far too many times and i wonder when it will stop. when i will wake up and won't feel that hope that explodes. when i won't disappoint myself.

because one day that explosion of hope is going to kill me.