the other day i was asked the question: how can you stand be always be alone?

at first i didn't know how to answer. i think i just smiled and said that it was how i did things. i don't remember, to be honest. though now that i think of it, i wonder myself why i've been so apt to being alone in these times, in these hard times.

i know for a fact i'm alone all the time at my home because the person that was always with me is gone. my hero, my best friend left me in this home with my things and sometimes that is enough to make me enjoy my lonliness. in a sense, if i can't have him, i don't want to have anything. it's some sort of bittersweet act of remembering him, i guess. it feels wrong when i'm with people in this house because to me, this house isn't so much a home anymore. not to offend my step mother. she is like a second mother to me and i love her; i just found my home with my father where ever he was. where he is now, isn't necessarily my home right now.

i could go out. there's many people that i'm sure would spend time with me if i'd only ask. i don't like to ask for things, though, and i fear that i'll have inconvenianced someone if i ask for a couple hours to go for a walk or a coffee. i don't do those things any longer and they get lonely when i do them on my own. again, not to offend anyone. i know there's many people that love me and want to be here for me when they can... i appreciate and respect you all for that.

i guess i've just gotten used to being alone. in a sense, i feel as if i'm lost in a maze of vine covered stone walls. it's confusing, it's mind-boggling. i search and always reach a dead end. just tonight i took a walk to the store down the street and the last time i had done that, was with my father. it hurt to walk down the street and i refuse to walk the back path home. it felt as though i was replacing his memories with newer, lonlier ones. i want to keep things with him as recent as possible. i know i can't, but i want to keep the things we did together just our things and sometimes, like taking a simple walk to a store, that can't happen. i also found myself the entire time wishing i had someone bundled up and cold walking beside me, just talking to me so i could forget how much it was hurting with each step i took.

i'm lost. a part of what i am, a part of who i was is gone. the man that was involved in creating me is gone and it feels like that half is missing. sometimes i wouldn't mind a hand to hold or a body to hug. sometimes i feel social and when i do, i usually make sure i go out and socialize. a lot of the time, though, i want time to myself. i want time to remember him and to remember what we had. i want time to remember how special it was. a lot of the time, it's mostly me trying to make sense of everything. attempting to fit all the pieces together and not being able to. i find myself speaking positively in the words i know dad would tell me. it isn't always enough, but it's getting me by.

i guess i detached myself from people when it happened. i figured, i'm already hurt enough. i don't need to be around other people... they can make me hurt more. i'm still scared that people will hurt me. i guess i need to give more credit to the human race...

maybe after christmas and the crazy drivers go back to normal though.