the phrase "forgive and forget" i feel is misused, a lot. in fact, i don't believe the phrase should be used when it comes to... well... anything. forgiveness is something every human should have the ability to do. whether it is vital depends on the situation, i believe. not everyone deserves forgiveness, especially if it's a mistake repeated constantly. as said in a song from Taking Back Sunday, "it's no mistake if it's always repeated." forgetting, though, is something i feel is impractical. forgetting ends in not only parts of your life missing but it leads to broken hearts and confusion.

i've never been able to forget the bad things people have done to me; nor the good. i have yet to forget the constant teasing while i was growing up, or the countless efforts of my friends to cheer me up in my later years. why? because remembering is, to me, vital. there's a reason a friend and you disagreed. whether it was silly or not, it was a disagreement that may have dealt damage to your relationship or feelings towards each other. it is vital to remember why, to remember why it was such. why? because if it happens again, you have something to fall back on. no, i don't mean shoving it back in their face when you're angry. i mean looking to the past experiences to help you decide what you wish to do. apologize? agree to disagree? to never speak again? "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." it's true, it's undoubtedly true.

remembering can be such a bittersweet thing, as i have learned throughout much of my life. after the divorce, remembering the moments where it felt like we were a family were devestating. if we could have days like that, why couldn't they work it out and work past their differences? why couldn't they forgive each other and work with what they had?

when my heart was broken, i found myself remembering how close he and i were. how we were so close to what i wanted and yet close to what he wanted to stay with. we were on a plateau that was almost perfect for both of us. why couldn't we forgive each other? why couldn't we look past it all and decide that our friendship was worth more than these petty fights that we thought meant so much to us? in the end, bitterness got the better of me. i didn't forget and i made sure he knew that. sometimes, remembering can overpower the forgiveness and that in itself is wrong and that was where i was wrong, just as i was countless other times. the memories of how extremely close we were together... they were also devestating. painful and heartbreaking, really.

when i lost my father, which is still a very ripe memory, i cannot explain the thoughts that had run through my head. the thoughts that still do. my memory of him is full of happiness and though there were moments when he wasn't at his finest, he always loved me and i loved him too. you know you love someone when you can feel for them even when they don't deserve it. when they aren't in their finest moments. i forgave him for this past decisions and mistakes because he was making retributions. i won't forget them because in the end, it helped me deal with his temper and his delusions very calmly when i became older. it made me more patient with him. for that, i thank myself for being so adament on not forgetting.

i find myself fearful though. as the days slowly move by and it's almost been four months i find myself losing my thoughts of him. i find myself thinking of him less and thinking more of what needs to be done. it terrifies me because it's so soon. i cry, from time to time. i miss him, all the time... when i remember. i miss him when i remember he's not home. i miss him when i remember he won't be there to talk to when i need it. i miss him when i realize he's gone... but i forget he's even gone sometimes. maybe this is moving on, but i don't want to, quite yet. i still want to revel in his memory, i still want to let myself be immersed by the melancholy of it all every once in awhile. as self-mutilating as this sounds, the pain reminds me i still feel.

immature as it is, everything would be better if he were here. i wouldn't be so skeptical of people's motives, i wouldn't be so doubtful of people's true intentions. i feel like everyone looks at me with such sympathetic eyes... like everyone can look at me and know i'm not okay. people on the bus speak to me more, especially when i'm sitting there, eyes looking to the floor and feeling the worst in my life. people ask me to go out when i've been feeling low and depressed. i feel as if people look at me and see it... see what i'm feeling and i don't want to be so see-through. i don't want people to know that i'm in agony sometimes because in the end, it's easier to cry alone then to have someone hold you. because when someone holds you, you start to worry. "how am i going to thank this person?" or "how am i going to explain why i'm like this?" not only that, but you begin to worry about silly things. "i'm making their shirt wet," or "what if their arms are becoming tired?"

i fear that people are only nice to me because they know what's happened. i feel they're only being there for me because i seem like some tiny, pathetic little girl who's completely lost. like a child in a supermarket crying because they can't find their daddy. it's like everyone is that stranger that asks if i'm okay and they'll make sure to find my dad. taking my hand, they'll lead me through the aisles and once i find him, they'll leave. i'm not sure i can do that, to be completely honest. i don't know if i can have people that are so interchangeable in my life. i have a hard of enough problem when it comes to making sure that people that are in my life, stay.

though of course, this seems so self-centred. i really don't mean to sound like some bratty child. i'm not sitting here thinking everyone's attending to my every tear. i know people have lives and i know people don't sit there and wonder what i'm thinking... i know that. it's precisely why i won't ask someone to listen to me when i'm upset. it's arrogant to be honest, i'd much prefer to be humble.

it's just one of those days where i look at things and wonder why. why do people keep living after their heart is broken? how do people take so many things for granted? why do people let go of each other so easily...?

i apologize to my father. i remember you. i love you and i miss you. i wish you were here so you could participate in my life... but i'm getting by, dad. i'm going into my second semester of my first year and i know you'd be happy and proud. i promise to make sure this won't happen to anyone else. i'll make sure their symptoms are noticed. i'll save so many people because i know you'd want that. i know you'd want people to live on because life is precious, right? life is something you can't mess around with. not when someone as deserving as you had it taken so suddenly.

rest assured, i'll do my best. in the name of you.