i can feel him slipping away from my grasp which each day that goes by. i can feel myself become less of a likable person and more of some bitter, fake imposter that only assumes this role in this life because nothing better has yet to happen. it seems as though no matter how hard i try, or the pills i take, or the people i surround myself with, i cannot make myself happy. i cannot smile the way i used to and i cannot laugh the way i want to. i cannot take simplicity and leave it at that and i cannot leave a complex problem well enough alone to let it's kinks work out on its own. i am sabotaging myself.

i need you, dad. i need you more than ever and you aren't here. you haven't been here for the past five months and it's beginning to anger me. if you had been here, she wouldn't have moved in. if you were here, i would be okay. but you're not and you know what? i'm angry at you for that. i'm angry that you left so early in my life and i'm tired of not blaming you for some things. i remember i would stand up for you all the time against mom. i always have stood up for you and then you go and die on me. i wasn't mad at you when you divorced mom. i wasn't mad when you moved out. i wasn't mad when you put us through hell. i forgave you because people deserve that. i can't forgive you for this. for leaving me on the brink of adulthood. you always seem to abandon me in times i need you most. the moment i was hitting puberty, you were gone. you were hardly there when i was a toddler. and now look. you're gone again. and this time you can't come back.

maybe this is normal. maybe, maybe i'm just some horrible, cruel person for blaming you but i can't help it. i loved you so much, with every bit of my heart. none of it went to waste when it came to idolizing you and thinking so highly of you. you were smart. you were caring. you were generous, and funny, and everything someone could want in a person. i looked up to you even after the drugs, the alcohol, the constant separations. i looked past it all and saw you.

well what are you now? just a box of ash downstairs in the living room. just some pile of black ash that will never amount to the person you were. you left before school started. you left before i got married, before i had children. i'm questioning everything in life. what's the point in so much of it? i'm irritated constantly, i'm always stressed and frustrated. you make me so mad sometimes because i don't even feel you here anymore. i never see you in my dreams, i never feel your presence when i'm feeling so alone. where the hell did you go, dad? did you take the easy road? can you not stand to see me so upset? or maybe i'm wrong. maybe i'm wrong in thinking that there's an afterlife. that you can come back and comfort the people you love. maybe i'm just fucking wrong with everything i'm thinking and i am a fucking cruel bitch.

all that i know is that you abandoned me. you died peacefully. your heart gave up. well you never knew how much my heart beat for you! you never knew how much of my future you were involved in! you never cared to ask how i felt because no one ever does! no one cares how i feel when it comes to some of the most important decisions in my life and i'm tired of being treated like i'm not worthy of it! my heart aches for you. it still beats for you, long after yours stopped. and you followed your heart. out of the door of our home and into someone else's where half of us were non-existant. you didn't care if it hurt me. you didn't care if it hurt her and mom. you just did it. because you needed to get out. because you wanted out. well you know what? i want out too. i want to get away. i want to leave everything behind but at least i have the guts to not break everyone's fucking heart in doing so.

you don't even know how much i've cried for you. how much i miss you with every fucking moment i live. you don't get it and you never will. you didn't know all the times i cried for you while you were in rehab. you didn't know all the times i cried when you and mom divorced. you don't know how much i've cried now. why is it every man in my life always breaks my heart? why is it every man i love ends up hurting me beyond repair?

you didn't have to go and break my heart. there wasn't much left of it.