i don't know what to be now. i'm not sure. should i be happy? sad? upset? still grieving? because i laugh now... i smile now... and when i do, i mean it.... but i can't help but feel sad every time i come home. every minute i'm here i can feel the absence of you. i sit here, singing in my room just begging to god that you'll come upstairs and make fun of me. oh god i miss your voice....

i just don't know what i am... who i am. i'm not your daughter anymore... i'm the memory of your daughter. i've changed so much and i'm not sure you'd recognize me. sometimes i'm so ashamed of myself and i can't help but think i'm disappointing you. i want to feel like i'm someone you'd be proud of but that just doesn't seem to be something i can feel.

you took so much of me with you, dad. you took every part of me that made me happy. every piece of me that made me feel unique. you took every dream i had and ripped a part of it out. i can't do this, dad. i can't keep going on in life and be like this. i can't keep smiling and laughing... not when i'm missing you. not when i'm aching and wishing you could see me smile. there were so many things you didn't finish. so many words you didn't get to say.

daddy, it still hurts like the night i found out. i can still feel that intense pain cutting off my breath. i can feel my heart hurting and my entire body is shutting down; curling up inside of itself. i need you so badly and you aren't here. i can't hear your voice. i can't see you. i can't feel you here and i need it so. i want you to hug me when i'm crying, i want you to smile when i make you proud. i want you to talk to me for hours on end and i want to feel you close to me. i want you beside me because life just isn't working without you.

the happiness is leaking out of the hole you made when you left. the joy is deteriorating. i miss you so much daddy... you'll never know.