i try to listen to happy music. i try to smile and be happy... to look at the upperside of things because there isn't much else to do in a time like this. i push past the people but i hang out with friends attempting to be who i used to be.

i remember saying once that if you ever died, i'd go insane. well, i haven't.... i'm coping, i'm breathing, i'm still getting along in life and it makes me angry at myself. i fell to pieces. i'm still in pieces, but how can i be so put together for everyone? how can i make a front so large that nobody can tell that i'm still aching? when i shovelled the driveway the other day, i shovelled a path to the chair you always sat in and took the snow off the chair. because i know you'd like to sit there. i still wait to hear your voice and i still wait to feel your arms around me. there's still so much of me and my life that is missing. i fall asleep feeling more alone than ever and wake up just hoping that for once, today, i'll smile genuinely.

i just wish this was a dream. poppy isn't doing too well, you know. i saw him today. beared with it and went alone after school to see him and you have to be with him. you should be with him. he's in so much pain and all i can think about to make this a more positive thing is that he'll have you when he goes.... but i don't want him to go. he was your father. he looks like you. he acts like you. he talks like you. i can't lose him too. i can't lose two people who thought the world of me. who else will think that? who else will bother to not ask if i'm okay, but just know?

he was so worried because he hadn't gotten me a card for my birthday yet. he was so scared of disappointing me and he can't. he never will. it made me feel good... that the only picture he had of his grand children in his room was me... because for once it meant that someone other than you put me before other people in my family. that someone thought more of me.

i miss you. i'm really going to miss him too.... just promise you'll be there for him... promise you'll help him through it because i can't imagine it...

just remember to visit me...