i've been entertaining the thought of what i would say to you if you could appear to me only one last time... i think this is what i would want to say:

daddy, i miss you. i've missed you so much since the moment i knew and i don't know how i'm getting through this the way i am. i couldn't have asked for a father as amazing as you; for an idol more inspiring. you have been a beacon for me my entire life by showing that people change. that if you just take a second look at someone and smile, you might get a smile back.

it's been hard, dad. it hasn't yet been a year and i still find that i miss you as much as the night i first found out. i still find that i want to smell your after shave, hear your morning coughing, see your kooky smile. to just reach out and know that you're something tangible and there. it's difficult to accept that you aren't downstairs any longer for me whenever i need you.

the first times are the hardest, you know? first christmas, first time being sick without your concerned eyes continually coming upstairs to check on me. my first birthday without you is in two days and my heart is just reverberating a dull ache that cannot be banished. you have completely turned my world upside down and dad, you've taught me so much about myself.

you've taught me that i might be bending, i might be so far down but i'm not breaking. that maybe i'm not the strongest person in the world but i am in no means weak. you've been teaching me perserverance, the drive, the will... to keep going. to stare the bleak, dark unknown in its bloody face and drive forward with a battle cry. you've shown me that i can keep going and i can still be a good person though i can faulter. you've taught me that compassion for every individual is a must because they could have the same feelings as i might. even though you haven't been here, you've taught me so much.

i'm not sure how else to tell you, dad. you've moved me. you have made me into a person that i am becoming proud of. i wish you had known while you were still here how amazing... how loved you were. how many people came to bid you goodbye at the funeral and how many crying eyes i saw. oh dad, you were so loved by everyone. you were everyone's smiling face, everyone's laughing lips. you were such a bright person that you lit up anyone's life that you entered.

i only wish you could be here to still feel that. i only wish i could tell you that every day and have you here. i took so much for granted and it'll never feel the same now. you've left, you've gone, and i sure as hell can't bring you back.... you need to understand dad, you've made me think twice about everything. you are the person that has not only progressed me but pulled me back. i cannot grow in some ways and for some, i've become stagnant. you were so much apart of my future and now that that is gone... i've lost a lot. you made me. i am half of you.

i'm proud of that half. i am genuinely excited to have your quirkiness, to have your features. but i am also missing some of that half. you took a lot of me when you left... a lot of it burned with you in your cremation. when you left a lot of the good parts of me left i think...

i keep remembering things. our late night tv shows. our tuesday movies. our random nights out bowling and trips to the bookstore. you had no idea that just the drive or walk to these events were what made me happy. just the ability to talk to you and feel you near me was enough. to keep you close to me and know that if i needed my dad, i had him. you were so strong and tough but your heart outshined all of your features. you were someone i bragged about. when i did that presentation on you and your alcoholism, it wasn't just because i wanted to inform the students. it wasn't because i wanted to embarrass you.... it was because i was so proud you went through it and got through it. you inspired me. dad, i was so proud of you....

i wish i could speak forever... so you would stay. this birthday just won't feel right dad....

i love you, so much. i miss you more than ever.

you'll never be forgotten, so live on.