i look at the world from a distance. i look at the people living their lives, walking to work, going to school. i see the angry drivers, the soft hearted teachers, the crying school children. i can see the mothers and fathers becoming distant from their children, i can see the government putting a wedge between concerned teachers. i can see these children growing not knowing their parents who live in the same house as them and i become saddened. i start to show a little sympathy for the children that act out and none for the parents that yell at the child for acting out.

i look at teachers not being able to hug their students. i remember having my favourite teachers. i would buy them gifts and they'd give me hugs. they'd help me do up my winter wear. it can now be construed as sexual assault if either take place.... the concerned parent isn't liking this....

thought i propose it's not for over-protecting their child. it's because they don't want their child having a different parental figure in their life. many times children confuse their parent and teacher. i called my teacher mom quite a few times out of habit. but because someone wants to hug your child and show them some sympathy... you're willing to fire them? you're willing to fire a teacher who spends more time with your children daily than you do? sure you work hard. sure you make a living for your children and keep them sheltered, fed and clothed. but none of that means anything if there isn't any love.

censor the bad shows but let them watch as much tv. watch what music they listen to but let them shut the world out. watch the video games they play but let them play them for hours on end. don't let them help with dinner in case they make a mistake. don't let them do the dishes with you. don't put them to bed and spend an hour making sure they're asleep and comfortable. don't play with them, don't watch them sleep and kiss their little heads.... but fire a teacher willing to show them a little emotional support.

my fondest memories as a child are with my parents. spending time with them. it didn't matter we were only at the beach and having 1$ onion rings. it didn't matter we were sitting in the sun porch making hallowe'en decorations during the rain. it was the joy and love i felt from them when it happened. when it stopped, it was more than devestating.

when the divorce happened, they both went their separate ways and i was left at the crossroad. i fought for their attention and neither was willing to give it. even to this day, after his untimely death and her being wrapped up in other things... i still crave their attention. i am practically an adult, almost 20 and yet... i still want their attention.

coming from a child that had it both ways, you parents have no idea what you are doing to your children. you don't protect them, you watch them. you don't talk to them, you order them. you love them but you aren't willing to put the time and effort into proving that to them.

and it saddens me to see this world becoming what it is. divorce is so common, children are so impartial to everything going on in their lives. it's like they're on some eternal prozac that stops from feeling anything more than the common emotions that are brought out in normal society.

even now i see how this has changed me... this cutting off of life support and attention from my parents. i am eager to grow up, to leave my family and begin my own life and yet, the one person who can help me with that doesn't want to... because he still has what i used to have. and it makes me insanely jealous and angry because no one can quite grasp why i want to leave so badly.

though i don't feel much of an active love from him either. which frightens me sometimes. it just seems now that he has me he doesn't feel like he has to do anything to keep me. like seeing me once a couple weeks is enough to hold me over. like emails i ask for with lovely letters inside will make me forget the lonliness. like his promises mean anything until they're executed.

i am used to full attention. i am used to be the center of attention and for the past eight years of my life i had to deal with not having any of it. call me high maintenance. call me a spoiled brat but i want what i feel i deserve and i feel i deserve the attention of the man who so claims he loves me. i have no doubt he loves me... but it's like the parents now a days; nothing to prove it otherwise.

maybe i have high expectations. maybe i'm looking for roses and promise rings and one day an engagement ring. maybe i'm just look for some initiative. maybe i just want a surprise visit one day or being whisked away on a surprise weekend. maybe i'm looking for a simple hand made card. what am i really looking for? my father.

i'm looking for a piece of him inside of him. i'm looking for my father's random acts of kindness. kinder eggs for us everytime he came home from work. coming down to my house 45 minutes away from his and taking me on a surprise dinner. bowling. walks. movies. a smoothie i so badly want for 4$ that i end up dropping in the mattress department of sears and us running away. i'm looking for the romantic side of my father for the man i love. the funny side of my father in the people i know. the serious part of my father in myself. i'm looking for little trinkets he'd find with his metal detector that he'd give me because i fell in love with that bracelet with the little jazz instruments all around it. the rings he'd give me that he had found. the toy cars.

i'm looking for my father in everyone and the more i don't see him in anyone the more i seem to lose faith in everything. maybe it is high expectations. maybe i'm being cruel and too precise. maybe i just want someone to see something and think of me... maybe i want to be someone's inspiration like i was for my father's rehabilitation and quitting alcohol. maybe i want to be the reason someone changes themself for the good. perhaps i'm asking too much.

what girl doesn't?