what am i to you? a dog you can chain up and leave? a child you can stick in a play pen while you do other things? it seems like i'm always waiting for you. waiting for you to respect me, care about me, pay attention to me... am i some passing phase? am i just some random girl you go through before finding your true love? am i just your first so you can have a second, a third?

who am i to you? what am i? who am i really? what makes me smile? what makes me cry? what is my favourite song right now?

i can deal with being ignored.... i can deal with having no romance.... i can sure as hell deal with being second best and taking a back seat.... i mean, i've done that most of our relationship... but to lie to me? twice? to lie about lying? to make an explaination for that lie? thinking changing one sentence will fix the uninevitable break in my trust? that was foolish.

i don't give out second chances often and third chances are almost impossible.... i learned my lesson long ago to give up when i know there's no saving things.

but it really hurt. it was embarrassing. it was extremely humiliating and i could feel myself becoming that child in grade five. i never wanted to feel that again. that ugliness; self-confidence so low. and the one person that's been getting me through these days and putting up with me....

i don't like being lied to. i have been honest from the start and it's apparent i couldn't be given that benefit. it's sad that you couldn't, crudely, "grow some balls" and tell me the truth right then and there. you get no points for telling me the day after... not after i asked and you told me, blatantly, the answer that was really just another lie.... so how far will you go next time? if you can lie to me now you can lie to me again. if you can lie about this you can lie about anything.

and you know, i said i wouldn't compare you to my father any longer.... but after all the things my father could have done... denounce me at my birth, leave our family, die on me... the one thing he never did was lie. he told me the god's honest truth. the day budgie died, he told me. the day tony died, he told mom to tell me because he was crying. but he told me because he knew sooner or later i would find out. because sooner or later it was going to hurt. sooner or later it was going to be said and he'd rather the pain and the ending acceptance then the lies and the betrayal along with it.

i'm disappointed. i'm hurt beyond anything. i don't really think i've ever felt this kind of hurt before.... and yet... i don't know if you understand.... because sorry doesn't fix broken trust... and sorry doesn't fix a breaking heart... and sorry can't be your answer to every mistake. apologies are nice, they're sincere usually... but they don't fix the damage.

i don't know what to say, i don't know what to do. i'm angry, i'm so angry that i want to just rip your face off but i'm so sad that i'd be crying while i did it. i'm hating that i love you so much because if you were anyone else, this would be done and over and i'd forget about you... but i can't. and that's bothering me too.

if you aren't ready for an adult relationship, say so.
if you aren't ready to act like an adult, tell me.
if you aren't ready for me, don't string me along.