i wanted those happy moments and tiny feet. i wanted your goofy smile and your happiness to embrace what i brought into the world and that won't happen.

there's so many things you're missing and i'll never forget that at every step of the way, you won't be able to see these parts of me that are growing and unfolding. you'd be so surprised at the maturity i've gained the tears i've shed to become who i am now.

when someone you love so much dies... it's like all the good parts of you die too. it's like... all that beauty you once saw in yourself disappears... your faith leaves.... you watch as your confidence descends the cold and lonely journey with this person in case they need it.... you watch that spark you once had become nothing but a dim glowing ember with smoke flowing from it; snuffed out.

and you try so hard to find these parts of you again.... you search through people, you search through books and websites... just trying to find those parts of you that seemed to leave so easily. and that's how it always is... easy to leave but hard to stay. it's easy to disappear but harder to be known.

so not only do you lose this person... you lose yourself. and as much as i've said i've done it... i haven't found many of those parts yet. i'm still not ready to let go. i'm still not ready to accept the fact that your no longer here. i'm not ready to accept the fact that you will no longer be here to cry to, to hold onto, to hide behind when i'm scared and have lost all faith in myself.

you don't understand what this is like, dad. you don't understand this wanting... this excruciating pressure that you can feel building up in every part of your body; this emotion. and this emotion takes control. it feverishly diminishes all of your thoughts and actions and you're left with this useless body and these empty thoughts.... at the end of the day you're left with yourself... and not even a whole you.....

grief is a hard road to travel, dad.... if there's one thing i wish you hadn't taught me, it's this one so soon.