it's funny.... it hurts a lot to think about when i try to. i end up crying, i end up becoming angry and sad and all these other emotions rolled into a tangled ball of yarn. and as i said, it hurts. it hurts a lot, you know.

but what's worse... what's worse than purposely thinking of you and missing you... is when you attack me with no notice. i sit on the bus. i wait patiently to be taken to the terminal so i can switch buses to go to school. i am unsuspecting and then an older man comes on the bus. your personality, your age, your likeness. and it hits me. this sudden fear takes a hold of me and my chest becomes tense with stale emotion that's been lingering to long but not thrown out.

you take ahold of me. your presence that no longer graces me at any point in the day. your slowly slipping attributes. your sounds. you take ahold of me and take me to a place that i don't want to go. i don't want to go there anymore and you need to stop that. you need to stop taking me to those dark places where i'm cold, where i'm alone and where i realize that you aren't here anymore. maybe that's what some call reality but it's not possible for me to function in that part of life. i couldn't be as optimistic. i couldn't function due to the constant sadness.

i was there for the first few months of your death and now i've made a comfy lie for myself to live in. you're just in the other room. you're just down town. you're just here but not and that is nice. that is comforting... embracing... enveloping.

and only on days when i purposely think of you will i want to go to those cold and lonely places. only during those times, when i can walk into the darkness as far as i want to and run away when i feel the emotion becoming too heavy.

i know this is a lesson i need to learn... but you need to be patient because losing you was the most heartbreaking thing i've ever felt.