this crushing in my chest is because of you. how i've longed to see you, how i've longed to touch you and just hold you in my arms. how i've longed to hear your words and your voice, your laughter and to see your smile. how i've wanted to see your eyes twinkling and your eyebrows going up in curiosity.

the weather is getting nicer... the days are getting longer and you'd be reminding me of that. you would have been outside today with your ice cold mug of pop and a plate of crackers or a sandwich. you would have been reading and you would have looked up just when i got to the neighbours house and you would have waved and anticipated my return. you would have said hi and yelled my name, hugged me and gave me a kiss. you would have been there.

and tonight when i left you would have hugged me. you would have told me to have a good time and warn me not to do anything stupid. you would have smiled and laughed and i would have had the comfort that i'd be coming back home to you....

but i don't. i come home to the emptiness, to the thick sadness that never seems to leave. i push it in the back of my mind. you're here when i'm gone and you're just somewhere else when i'm here. you're not really gone and... and then there's days like this. where i know where you would be. where i know that you would be outside, sitting in your chair, reading a book. i know you would be waiting there for me to return to talk about my day and i know you'd care enough to ask.

and i also know that i wouldn't take it for granted ever again. that i'd be so happy and so glad that you'd be there. and when i'd hug you, i'd hug you knowing full well that i'd never be that happy again. and i'd breathe you in; your scent. i would hug you until you'd ask if something was wrong and i'd look up with tears and just tell you that i'm so proud, and that i'm so happy to have a father like you. and i'd glower with the fact that you're here and not there. that you're alive and not dead.

i'd give my life to feel your arms around me once more.