i turn the tub on and leave it at a comfortable warmth. i slowly peel off my clothes and decide whether i want to wait until there is more water in the tub or not. i'm impatient tonight so i sit in the tub which only has a good four centimetres worth of water in it.

it doesn't feel hot enough so i turn the lever half way to the hottest setting. i set my back slowly against the slanting end of the tub and feel the cold hit me like a brick. i still feel as if it's too cold and i turn the lever, only a quarter away from the hottest setting.

my skin burns. it's turning pink and my fingers and toes look like raisins. i stare blankly at the tap and sigh, waiting for the water to fill the tub.

i pull my knees up to my chest and shut off the lever. the water level is not where i want it but i'm too tired to care. i sink deeper, my hair beginning to crawl around me and stick to my shoulders. the deeper i sink, the more it hurts until i finally put my fingers around my nose, plug it, and put my head under the water. my face burns, my ears are filling with water; i can't breathe and my lungs feel as if they're going to explode.

i bring my head out of the water though i'm not gasping for breath. i sit there, feeling water dripping off my eyelashes and stare. i feel empty inside and i look to my body and can feel the steam coming off my body. i bring my knees back up to my chest and can only feel how my life is slowly unraveling; knowing i wanted it but wasn't ready for the emotions involved.

i can't remember the last time i wanted to stop it and i can't remember the time i wanted it to start either.