i don't know how to feel right now, to be honest. i want to laugh and smile and so i do... but i just don't feel it deep down inside like i should; it doesn't feel so meaningful. it feels like i'm lying to everyone too and that in itself is a horrible feeling. i want to be able to let it fall off me like sand from the beach that was once stuck to my wet body but has dried and is crumbling off. i mean, after losing three people that mean a lot to you, how could you not get used to it? how could you not get used to losing people that actually had a part in bringing you up?

and that's just it... it's not getting easier like everyone says it will. it just feels worse and worse and harder each day until the point i'm almost crying on the city bus on the way to see friends. there just seems to be some black hole, some big vacuum that is sucking the life out of me every day. i want to wake up and feel happy. i want to wake up and know my life is just going to get better by the second. thought i'm not sure how many people have that either....

i'm just falling apart inside. i feel like i'm collapsing slowly so no one will see; no one will help me. like how you got so happy and energetic before you died. nobody knew you wouldn't wake up from your nap and that's how i'm feeling... like i'm letting everyone see the better side of me because that's the last time you're going to see that part of me.

it's just that i don't think i can keep doing this. everyone thinks i'm speaking mentally, but i mean physically, dad. i mean that i don't think i can keep on losing so many people close to me and not have it take such a toll on me. i can't keep acting like i'm a strong person when it hurts every time to think of you, of poppi, and now, of nanny. what am i supposed to do without you guys in my life? what am i supposed to do now that you're gone? oh, i know i've heard it before... "live on" or "keep going." it's not that easy and you should know that because you didn't... right?

i'm burning bridges with everyone and it's slowly killing me. i need everyone around me. i need hugs, and random encounters and a little "tlc" here and there. something you could have offered but then again... if you were here to offer it i wouldn't be writing this, now would i?

you were so much of me, so how does everyone expect me to stand when half of what i was is gone?