i feel a warmth come close to my body and i breathe in deeply, feeling the most comfort i have in the past year. he isn't here so it can't be him and it isn't the cat and so i open my eyes slowly, hoping to see something that won't frighten me.

and it's you.

you're looking at me with sad but hopeful eyes and they're sparkling. the vivacity in your face, your posture is unmistakable. your face holds it's wrinkles still, your face still looks the same but brighter and healthier. you aren't skin and bones any longer, you have your muscle back and your beard is black as black as well as your hair; curly again.

i don't know what to do. i can't move and i open my mouth but close it, only to open it several times more to shut it in disbelief. you're standing before me, exactly what i wanted and i can't stop the bursting feeling in my chest. tears begin to spill over my eyes and i'm sobbing, my face wet and sweaty. you put your hand on my forehead and rub it a few times and i begin to feel even better. you cup your hands around my face then sit down beside me. i crawl into your lap and you hold me even though i'm 19 and you rub my back to calm me. i cry into your sweater and i clutch it with such a grip i swear i've stretched it. you look at me with such sincere eyes and you start whispering "shh" over and over.

i look up at you once the shock has passed and you smile. you breathe in deeply and i know you're going to say something weighty. i nod and rest my head on your chest as you speak. "bud, i'm sorry for what i've put you through. you already know how much you miss me and that's how much i miss you. i never wanted this for you so early in your life." i start to breathe quickly again and you shush me. you're not done. "i want you to know three things, heather. one is that i love you, so much that i wish i could come back. the second is that i am so, so proud of you and i hope you remind yourself of that every day of your life. and the last, is that i'm always going to be here. whether it's in a dream, in a memory, in a story you're telling someone else. that's me, there, just not embodied as you would like me to be. i will never ever truly leave you."

i cry more, i choke on my spit even and tell you that you can't leave. that i need you, like this, all the time. you shake your head very sadly and i can even see tears forming in your eyes. it's not possible and i feel bad for asking it of you. touching your nose to mine, you give me our special kiss and i smile with tears streaming down my face. i lay back and you calm me by rubbing my face as you used to when i was younger, whispering the parts of my face as i slowly drift off to sleep by the sound of your voice.

later, i wake up. never quite sure if it's a dream or not but i want to believe you were here and so... i do.