Musings of an Exhausted Mind

2009-10-14T17:31:00.000-07:00

you would know what to say and what to do about this situation. you'd make everything right.

why is it i feel so alone now? why is it every time there's something in my life, it has to leave either by force or by will? when is there ever a point where life says, "just let her be. she's not okay anymore. she can't take this anymore!"

god, if you really are there? you can stop fucking with me now. i've lost two grandparents and my father. school's a bitch right now and i really don't need everyone in my life blaming me for crap i don't know. give me a fucking break for once. i don't need to be this strong. i need to have something in life that's easy. that's okay. that's an escape from this god damn hell of a life. okay?

2009-10-09T08:05:00.000-07:00

i think i know what faith is now. not religiously, but in general... faith in someone, faith in the future, the outcome of life... i think i know what it means to have that inherent faith that seems to drive people because i can feel it inside. i can feel it leaking through the pores of my skin and sifting through the air slowly.

faith isn't just the belief or the hope that an event, that a person, that life... will act in the way you feel. that everything will turn out good... no, it's more so the two working in tandem. it's this belief that one day, it will all make sense as to why it had to happen that way but it's also the hope, when that belief is being threatened, when that belief is starting to fault. it's this driving force that keeps you in the know... like the rope tied to your waist with the other end tied to a tree so you won't lose your way in a dark cave. except this rope is never-ending.

i have faith that my life will be successful in the end; fruitful. that doesn't mean i sit and wait for it to happen.... i have to help it, i have to make it happen because faith in something you don't want to work for is not faith at all but a wish, a dream.

i have faith that i will see you again one day, as well. that i will turn my head and you'll be there, smiling with open arms. that doesn't mean i don't cry or grieve for my loss of your light. that doesn't mean i don't miss you with my being and wish you were here instead of gone... but i do have faith that that day wasn't the last time i was going to see you or speak to you. i have faith that you will be waiting for me with tears and open arms, knowing of my accomplishments, my disappointments, my failures and whatever else i will have done. you will love me regardless and i will finally tell you how much i have missed you, how much i love you and how proud of you i really am. i know, i have faith, that i will have that again because i want it so bad and because i am will to work for it.

until that day though, i will cry. i will miss you and i will wish every day of my life you were here to share it with me but i know you're here, watching. i know you're beside me wishing you could touch me just as much as i wish the same thing. i know you're still here because i can still feel you loving me.

i miss you dad, and i will see you soon. it's never goodbye, right?

2009-09-16T19:18:00.000-07:00

once a little girl went to her
grade one class and sat down for
the morning, her lunch awaiting
her in the hall.

once the bell rang, she hurried
with the rest of the children to
fetch their lunches.

she opened hers and inside was
a special treat to the lunch and
a note cut into a heart.

"hope you have a good day.
love, daddy"

and so this little girl grew up
knowing the sweet things that
could happen and did happen
to her.

she loved her father and even
though he wasn't always near,
she could expect him to call her
every night.

soon the teenage years came
along and she grew annoyed
with these phone calls though
she took them nonetheless.

when she moved in with her father,
things were good for quite awhile.

she began worried for his illness
but in time grew to deny he would
succumb and he would make it
through.

thus, she sometimes turned down
walks with him to the grocery store.

and now, this girl would give anything
to have him ask her for another walk
for in the blink of an eye, he was gone.

no more phone calls, no more hugs, no
more laughter or invitations for walks.

she was left alone on the brink of adult-
hood where he could no longer be the
safety net in which she fell.

time had passed and yet she could never
fill that empty spot, that tugging in her
heart whenever she said it over and over
in her head, "he's gone."

2009-09-11T09:06:00.000-07:00

" me not caring is the best thing happening to you"*

but what's funny, is that it was one of the best things that happened for me too.

*From Here - Jenny Owen Youngs

2009-08-28T20:28:00.000-07:00

i wish i had the guts to tear you apart
from limb to limb metaphorically.
i apologize if my feelings and opinions
hurt you but you need to realize that
this is how i feel and if you want to be
my friend, you compromise.

& so i don't need indirect insults or
small snaps that make me feel less
than a doormat for a cat's litterbox.

no, i don't need you making me feel
any lower because you cannot look
to the positive in life.

you're not the only one suffering.

get over yourself.

maybe once you stop looking at
yourself constantly, you'll see
the brighter side to things.

2009-08-23T22:12:00.000-07:00

i feel a warmth come close to my body and i breathe in deeply, feeling the most comfort i have in the past year. he isn't here so it can't be him and it isn't the cat and so i open my eyes slowly, hoping to see something that won't frighten me.

and it's you.

you're looking at me with sad but hopeful eyes and they're sparkling. the vivacity in your face, your posture is unmistakable. your face holds it's wrinkles still, your face still looks the same but brighter and healthier. you aren't skin and bones any longer, you have your muscle back and your beard is black as black as well as your hair; curly again.

i don't know what to do. i can't move and i open my mouth but close it, only to open it several times more to shut it in disbelief. you're standing before me, exactly what i wanted and i can't stop the bursting feeling in my chest. tears begin to spill over my eyes and i'm sobbing, my face wet and sweaty. you put your hand on my forehead and rub it a few times and i begin to feel even better. you cup your hands around my face then sit down beside me. i crawl into your lap and you hold me even though i'm 19 and you rub my back to calm me. i cry into your sweater and i clutch it with such a grip i swear i've stretched it. you look at me with such sincere eyes and you start whispering "shh" over and over.

i look up at you once the shock has passed and you smile. you breathe in deeply and i know you're going to say something weighty. i nod and rest my head on your chest as you speak. "bud, i'm sorry for what i've put you through. you already know how much you miss me and that's how much i miss you. i never wanted this for you so early in your life." i start to breathe quickly again and you shush me. you're not done. "i want you to know three things, heather. one is that i love you, so much that i wish i could come back. the second is that i am so, so proud of you and i hope you remind yourself of that every day of your life. and the last, is that i'm always going to be here. whether it's in a dream, in a memory, in a story you're telling someone else. that's me, there, just not embodied as you would like me to be. i will never ever truly leave you."

i cry more, i choke on my spit even and tell you that you can't leave. that i need you, like this, all the time. you shake your head very sadly and i can even see tears forming in your eyes. it's not possible and i feel bad for asking it of you. touching your nose to mine, you give me our special kiss and i smile with tears streaming down my face. i lay back and you calm me by rubbing my face as you used to when i was younger, whispering the parts of my face as i slowly drift off to sleep by the sound of your voice.

later, i wake up. never quite sure if it's a dream or not but i want to believe you were here and so... i do.

2009-08-15T19:01:00.000-07:00

i don't know how to feel right now, to be honest. i want to laugh and smile and so i do... but i just don't feel it deep down inside like i should; it doesn't feel so meaningful. it feels like i'm lying to everyone too and that in itself is a horrible feeling. i want to be able to let it fall off me like sand from the beach that was once stuck to my wet body but has dried and is crumbling off. i mean, after losing three people that mean a lot to you, how could you not get used to it? how could you not get used to losing people that actually had a part in bringing you up?

and that's just it... it's not getting easier like everyone says it will. it just feels worse and worse and harder each day until the point i'm almost crying on the city bus on the way to see friends. there just seems to be some black hole, some big vacuum that is sucking the life out of me every day. i want to wake up and feel happy. i want to wake up and know my life is just going to get better by the second. thought i'm not sure how many people have that either....

i'm just falling apart inside. i feel like i'm collapsing slowly so no one will see; no one will help me. like how you got so happy and energetic before you died. nobody knew you wouldn't wake up from your nap and that's how i'm feeling... like i'm letting everyone see the better side of me because that's the last time you're going to see that part of me.

it's just that i don't think i can keep doing this. everyone thinks i'm speaking mentally, but i mean physically, dad. i mean that i don't think i can keep on losing so many people close to me and not have it take such a toll on me. i can't keep acting like i'm a strong person when it hurts every time to think of you, of poppi, and now, of nanny. what am i supposed to do without you guys in my life? what am i supposed to do now that you're gone? oh, i know i've heard it before... "live on" or "keep going." it's not that easy and you should know that because you didn't... right?

i'm burning bridges with everyone and it's slowly killing me. i need everyone around me. i need hugs, and random encounters and a little "tlc" here and there. something you could have offered but then again... if you were here to offer it i wouldn't be writing this, now would i?

you were so much of me, so how does everyone expect me to stand when half of what i was is gone?

2009-08-13T10:25:00.001-07:00

what have i become, my sweetest friend?
everyone i know... goes away in the end...

hurt by nine inch nails

2009-08-12T20:34:00.000-07:00

days are counting down and things are getting worse and worse. not only with you, dad, but with everything else. i wish you were here because i don't know what to do. i was honest, i was honest and trying my hardest to explain myself and it backfired anyway. i want to help this friend but he won't look up. he won't look at the brighter side of things and it ends up being a catastrophe.

you'd know how to talk to them... whether i should pursue it more, leave it alone, shake it off.... you would know these things.

it's just hard without you, you know? this month... these past few days... i've been crying, i've been upset constantly.... i just don't know how i'm going to get through another year without you here beside me. this one year was hard enough. this one year was brutal and i don't want... i don't need another year without your hugs, without your smiles and kisses. without your gentle touch and your advice that i need almost every day of my life.

dad, i need you so much right now. i'm sick of crying. i'm sick of having to look to the brighter side of things even though the brighter side of things is just a cloudy day. it's just overcast and not even the slightest sun shines through... but i do it. i do... and it kills me every day when i have to smile and joke around like i'm not hurting. it kills me every time i have to laugh and act as if i'm okay when i'm not.... but i do it. i try my hardest to work through it all and for what? i can't help my friends, i can't help myself, and i surely can't help anyone else.

i wish you were here dad. you'd know what to do, what to say... you'd make this better.

and i wouldn't be feeling as crumby as i have been for the past year.

2009-07-21T21:02:00.000-07:00

it hurts so bad. it's like my heart is bursting to leave my chest to find its way to you. to leave my body and float to the heavens where you'll be waiting for it. to hold it, to carress it, to give it all the love i've been missing out on. and i cry so much for my love to be felt, for my love to be taken by you and for you to give yours in return. it aches to remember how you'd hug me and say you love me because i'm forgetting. i'm forgetting your voice, and how your laugh sounded.

the finality of death. the end. the very dead end to everything. the end to our talks, our laughter, our conversations and jokes. the end to our walks, our hugs, our long silences with just knowing your presence was there. that's why it hurts so much. it's not just the end of your life. it's the end of everything you were involved in and the end of so many things i didn't want to say goodbye to just yet. it's the end of all those precious moments that won't ever be relived.

it's the end to my protector, my confidant, my father. my mentor, my debator, my happiness.

it's the end of everything that i had that i knew was good.

2009-06-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

at the click of the clock, i seem to fall into some sort of depression. at the change of one minute, i'm hurled into tears.

you won't be here in the morning. i won't be able to make you breakfast in bed any more. i won't be able to write you such amazing letters and see you cry as you read them. i won't be able to take you out for dinner or go to the park with you. i won't be able to celebrate what an amazing father you were.

god i miss you. i miss you so much.... you have no idea how hard today is for me....

come back.

2009-06-06T18:43:00.001-07:00

what more can be taken from me? what more can be ripped from me and thrown out of my reach and my sight.

you don't need her too. you took him with you and you don't need her. you weren't even supposed to go. stop making this hurt more. stop making this hurt more than it needs to. stop making me cry.

2009-05-29T21:08:00.001-07:00

i can't explain how it feels. you have someone and in a simple second, they're gone.

i don't mean a lover. i don't mean a person you wanted to get to know.... it's this person that... that just completes you. not in the romantic sense, but in general. they get you. they completely get you and all of a sudden, they're gone. they've had their fill, they've done what they could and then they're gone. and you're left to pick up all these pieces you didn't know you were made of. you're left to cry, and sob, and lose your breath because it's all you can do to keep alive right now.

and you lose faith. you lose hope that you'll ever find someone to completely get you again. someone that can just look at you and know what you need. whether it be a hug, or some space. whether it be a slinking upstairs to say i'm sorry and give you a hug or a goofy smile and laugh at something silly you had done. you lose so much of yourself because you're jagged again. you have nothing filling those empty parts that were full of someone else.

this best friend. this soul mate. this person that knew how to brighten your world in an instant; who made you feel like you deserved the world. who made you feel invincible and like you could live a thousand years....

well when they leave... you have to cope and you end up having to realize you will never have that again.... and you are so happy you had it but you also realize you will always be missing that for the rest of your life. you will never have that again and nothing hurts worse than that.

nothing hurts worse when you know they're not a phone call away.

2009-05-27T21:25:00.000-07:00

i felt you holding me the other night.

thank you.

i miss you so much.

2009-05-26T19:22:00.000-07:00

i wish i could be so much more for you than what i am. i wish i could heal you with a single word like we always joke about. i wish i could hold you and help you forget about all your pain and if for one moment, make you happy. if i could only be for you what he was for me.... i wish you had someone like that.

if only you could see your beauty, maybe then it wouldn't be so hard for you to understand what i see in you. how i see such a man of integrity and warmth... a man of worthy.

we only see what we want of ourselves and we humble people can become too humble for our own good.... and we continue to insult ourselves....

if anything, i wish this song to find you.

a coma might feel better than this
attempting to discover where to begin
you're weighed down
you're full of something
of sickness and desertion
you're weighed down your full of something
you're underneath it all
so say goodbye to love
and hold your head up high
there's no need to rush
we're all just waiting
waiting to die
hope in a better place
is all i need
with moments of innocence
and mystery
oh it's the little things you miss
like waking up all alone
oh it's the little things you miss
when you're underneath it all
so say goodbye to love
and hold your head up high
there's no need to rush
we're all just waiting
waiting to die
all your friends seem like enemies
when you're broken down and empty
oh, all your friends seem like enemies
when your broken down and empty
oh
so say goodbye to love
and hold your head up high
there's no need to rush
we're all just waiting
waiting to die
oh woah oh oh
oh woah oh
oh woah oh oh

waiting by dallas green.

esuna, my friend.

2009-05-12T21:49:00.000-07:00

i turn the tub on and leave it at a comfortable warmth. i slowly peel off my clothes and decide whether i want to wait until there is more water in the tub or not. i'm impatient tonight so i sit in the tub which only has a good four centimetres worth of water in it.

it doesn't feel hot enough so i turn the lever half way to the hottest setting. i set my back slowly against the slanting end of the tub and feel the cold hit me like a brick. i still feel as if it's too cold and i turn the lever, only a quarter away from the hottest setting.

my skin burns. it's turning pink and my fingers and toes look like raisins. i stare blankly at the tap and sigh, waiting for the water to fill the tub.

i pull my knees up to my chest and shut off the lever. the water level is not where i want it but i'm too tired to care. i sink deeper, my hair beginning to crawl around me and stick to my shoulders. the deeper i sink, the more it hurts until i finally put my fingers around my nose, plug it, and put my head under the water. my face burns, my ears are filling with water; i can't breathe and my lungs feel as if they're going to explode.

i bring my head out of the water though i'm not gasping for breath. i sit there, feeling water dripping off my eyelashes and stare. i feel empty inside and i look to my body and can feel the steam coming off my body. i bring my knees back up to my chest and can only feel how my life is slowly unraveling; knowing i wanted it but wasn't ready for the emotions involved.

i can't remember the last time i wanted to stop it and i can't remember the time i wanted it to start either.

2009-05-11T20:05:00.001-07:00

a picture was on the stairs from my grandmother. i opened it, inside is a picture of my sister, her daughter, myself, my grandfather and my father.

the two men in this photo have passed on. both i miss dearly. both of these deaths occurring less than a year apart.

i want to rip this photo apart. tear it to pieces and destroy the evidence of these two men that were so amazing. destroy the constant reminder they're gone.

destroy myself in the process too.

2009-05-02T21:08:00.000-07:00

i miss your hands, your rough,
hard working hands. the ones that
held my tiny hands and lead me
through the hard times; the ones that
gripped during the dark times and
the ones that lessened that grip once
the times were light and airy.

i miss their callouses, their undying
warmth; their sleepy-comfort feeling.

i miss your face, with those laugh lines
infused. the frown lines were always
constellations to hard times. it was
full of every part of you that i have now.

your eyes were the gateways to your
emotions, just as mine were. you could
smile and yet i could see the pain that
seemed to linger. i could see tears
being made and yet they barely fell....
unless i wrote you a silly letter, a note
in a card, or my acceptance letter.

your smile, your main feature. how it
would curl and laughter would erupt.
how i could finally speak, finally cease
my tears if i could see you smiling.

your nose, how i would kiss it when i
was little. our special kisses. our special
little secret together. we were better
than the eskimos.

oh, how i miss your arms. how you could
envelope me in them and i could feel
myself falling into your scent. it was like
nitrice gas at the dentist; falling deeper
and deeper into a comfortable grasp of
feeling, only to feel the act of hurting and
not the pain involved. you were my drug.

and i'm an addict. i'm an addict for your
love and you cut me off just like your life
line decayed. your pulse defecit is far too
much of difference to bring you back. your
flatlined heart will not come back.

and i miss you. the entirety of you.

the love of you.

the pride of you.

the act of loving you.

2009-04-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

it's funny.... it hurts a lot to think about when i try to. i end up crying, i end up becoming angry and sad and all these other emotions rolled into a tangled ball of yarn. and as i said, it hurts. it hurts a lot, you know.

but what's worse... what's worse than purposely thinking of you and missing you... is when you attack me with no notice. i sit on the bus. i wait patiently to be taken to the terminal so i can switch buses to go to school. i am unsuspecting and then an older man comes on the bus. your personality, your age, your likeness. and it hits me. this sudden fear takes a hold of me and my chest becomes tense with stale emotion that's been lingering to long but not thrown out.

you take ahold of me. your presence that no longer graces me at any point in the day. your slowly slipping attributes. your sounds. you take ahold of me and take me to a place that i don't want to go. i don't want to go there anymore and you need to stop that. you need to stop taking me to those dark places where i'm cold, where i'm alone and where i realize that you aren't here anymore. maybe that's what some call reality but it's not possible for me to function in that part of life. i couldn't be as optimistic. i couldn't function due to the constant sadness.

i was there for the first few months of your death and now i've made a comfy lie for myself to live in. you're just in the other room. you're just down town. you're just here but not and that is nice. that is comforting... embracing... enveloping.

and only on days when i purposely think of you will i want to go to those cold and lonely places. only during those times, when i can walk into the darkness as far as i want to and run away when i feel the emotion becoming too heavy.

i know this is a lesson i need to learn... but you need to be patient because losing you was the most heartbreaking thing i've ever felt.

2009-04-13T20:13:00.001-07:00

i wanted those happy moments and tiny feet. i wanted your goofy smile and your happiness to embrace what i brought into the world and that won't happen.

there's so many things you're missing and i'll never forget that at every step of the way, you won't be able to see these parts of me that are growing and unfolding. you'd be so surprised at the maturity i've gained the tears i've shed to become who i am now.

when someone you love so much dies... it's like all the good parts of you die too. it's like... all that beauty you once saw in yourself disappears... your faith leaves.... you watch as your confidence descends the cold and lonely journey with this person in case they need it.... you watch that spark you once had become nothing but a dim glowing ember with smoke flowing from it; snuffed out.

and you try so hard to find these parts of you again.... you search through people, you search through books and websites... just trying to find those parts of you that seemed to leave so easily. and that's how it always is... easy to leave but hard to stay. it's easy to disappear but harder to be known.

so not only do you lose this person... you lose yourself. and as much as i've said i've done it... i haven't found many of those parts yet. i'm still not ready to let go. i'm still not ready to accept the fact that your no longer here. i'm not ready to accept the fact that you will no longer be here to cry to, to hold onto, to hide behind when i'm scared and have lost all faith in myself.

you don't understand what this is like, dad. you don't understand this wanting... this excruciating pressure that you can feel building up in every part of your body; this emotion. and this emotion takes control. it feverishly diminishes all of your thoughts and actions and you're left with this useless body and these empty thoughts.... at the end of the day you're left with yourself... and not even a whole you.....

grief is a hard road to travel, dad.... if there's one thing i wish you hadn't taught me, it's this one so soon.

2009-04-07T19:01:00.001-07:00

scare me
half to death
and probably
more miles
than needed.

and laugh.
and joke.
and act as if
it's not
a big deal.

just like my
father.

2009-04-02T21:03:00.000-07:00

this crushing in my chest is because of you. how i've longed to see you, how i've longed to touch you and just hold you in my arms. how i've longed to hear your words and your voice, your laughter and to see your smile. how i've wanted to see your eyes twinkling and your eyebrows going up in curiosity.

the weather is getting nicer... the days are getting longer and you'd be reminding me of that. you would have been outside today with your ice cold mug of pop and a plate of crackers or a sandwich. you would have been reading and you would have looked up just when i got to the neighbours house and you would have waved and anticipated my return. you would have said hi and yelled my name, hugged me and gave me a kiss. you would have been there.

and tonight when i left you would have hugged me. you would have told me to have a good time and warn me not to do anything stupid. you would have smiled and laughed and i would have had the comfort that i'd be coming back home to you....

but i don't. i come home to the emptiness, to the thick sadness that never seems to leave. i push it in the back of my mind. you're here when i'm gone and you're just somewhere else when i'm here. you're not really gone and... and then there's days like this. where i know where you would be. where i know that you would be outside, sitting in your chair, reading a book. i know you would be waiting there for me to return to talk about my day and i know you'd care enough to ask.

and i also know that i wouldn't take it for granted ever again. that i'd be so happy and so glad that you'd be there. and when i'd hug you, i'd hug you knowing full well that i'd never be that happy again. and i'd breathe you in; your scent. i would hug you until you'd ask if something was wrong and i'd look up with tears and just tell you that i'm so proud, and that i'm so happy to have a father like you. and i'd glower with the fact that you're here and not there. that you're alive and not dead.

i'd give my life to feel your arms around me once more.

2009-03-06T13:04:00.001-08:00

i am a summer breeze you'll never feel,
a gentle hand you'll never touch.

i am the iceburg you'll never get to see fully,
but you'll crash into me and fall to your depths.

and maybe while the blistering cold quickly
slows your body, your heart will begin to beat....

and you'll want that summer breeze.
and you'll want that hand to save you.

just maybe you'll know what it's like to risk
your heart, your soul your life...

and see the inevitable fall below you as you
tumble and sink into the cobalt sea.

2009-03-05T20:46:00.000-08:00

what am i to you? a dog you can chain up and leave? a child you can stick in a play pen while you do other things? it seems like i'm always waiting for you. waiting for you to respect me, care about me, pay attention to me... am i some passing phase? am i just some random girl you go through before finding your true love? am i just your first so you can have a second, a third?

who am i to you? what am i? who am i really? what makes me smile? what makes me cry? what is my favourite song right now?

i can deal with being ignored.... i can deal with having no romance.... i can sure as hell deal with being second best and taking a back seat.... i mean, i've done that most of our relationship... but to lie to me? twice? to lie about lying? to make an explaination for that lie? thinking changing one sentence will fix the uninevitable break in my trust? that was foolish.

i don't give out second chances often and third chances are almost impossible.... i learned my lesson long ago to give up when i know there's no saving things.

but it really hurt. it was embarrassing. it was extremely humiliating and i could feel myself becoming that child in grade five. i never wanted to feel that again. that ugliness; self-confidence so low. and the one person that's been getting me through these days and putting up with me....

i don't like being lied to. i have been honest from the start and it's apparent i couldn't be given that benefit. it's sad that you couldn't, crudely, "grow some balls" and tell me the truth right then and there. you get no points for telling me the day after... not after i asked and you told me, blatantly, the answer that was really just another lie.... so how far will you go next time? if you can lie to me now you can lie to me again. if you can lie about this you can lie about anything.

and you know, i said i wouldn't compare you to my father any longer.... but after all the things my father could have done... denounce me at my birth, leave our family, die on me... the one thing he never did was lie. he told me the god's honest truth. the day budgie died, he told me. the day tony died, he told mom to tell me because he was crying. but he told me because he knew sooner or later i would find out. because sooner or later it was going to hurt. sooner or later it was going to be said and he'd rather the pain and the ending acceptance then the lies and the betrayal along with it.

i'm disappointed. i'm hurt beyond anything. i don't really think i've ever felt this kind of hurt before.... and yet... i don't know if you understand.... because sorry doesn't fix broken trust... and sorry doesn't fix a breaking heart... and sorry can't be your answer to every mistake. apologies are nice, they're sincere usually... but they don't fix the damage.

i don't know what to say, i don't know what to do. i'm angry, i'm so angry that i want to just rip your face off but i'm so sad that i'd be crying while i did it. i'm hating that i love you so much because if you were anyone else, this would be done and over and i'd forget about you... but i can't. and that's bothering me too.

if you aren't ready for an adult relationship, say so.
if you aren't ready to act like an adult, tell me.
if you aren't ready for me, don't string me along.

2009-02-22T20:21:00.001-08:00

i didn't cry about it for a long time.
i was stupid.
i was misguided.
i was fooled.

and i'll be damned if you make me cry now.
after everything.
after my humiliation.
my apologies.
my gentle hand reaching out.

so take your pretty words.
take those memories i wanted to cherish.
take that calling card i left and rip it up.
because i'm not giving any longer.

i should have never given in the first place.