i remember you becoming angry with me. you were tired, you wanted to put the gifts under the christmas tree and go to bed before i woke up at 6 am screaming to open gifts. it was 1 am and i hadn't moved from downstairs. i was going to catch santa. i remember you making me go up to my room and i remember you waiting in the doorway for me to fall asleep.

i remember how you'd pluck whiskers from your beard but only the white ones. you'd leave them on the coke can so it looked like santa had drunk the coke. the cookies were eaten. one year, you even wrote me a letter and took your deer foot knife and muddied it, signing it so it seemed santa and rudolph had a hand in it. you made deer prints outside. sleigh marks. you did it all for me because my sister sure didn't believe in santa any longer.

it's hard to believe you really aren't here anymore. my cavernous heart is beginning to feel more and more hollow with each familial holiday and it's beginning to feel fragile. it's reminding me of decaying bone... how it turns from this strong, spongey material to this brittle, fragile plank that can be broken the minute pressure is exerted. it echoes, this pain; it calls your name. these hands of mine still reach for you. these eyes of mine still look for you. this heart of mine still beats in hopes you'll be there. i ache for your voice. i could deal without the arms... just your voice.

just to hear, "i love you, heather" or "i'm so proud of you." maybe an "i'm still here." anything would be lovely.

i remember i had a dream where we walked down a dusty country road. everything seemed to be in sepia as the dust blew around us. the wild flowers were whimsical, moving with the wind whichever way it pushed. the dialogue i do not remember for it feels as if there was no dialogue at all. it was just knowing. it was standing beside each other, walking; knowing what we felt and thought. i need more of those dreams. i need to see you more. i can't see you only once in a while... i need more of you.

whether it be a country road or a midnight car ride, i need you to visit me more. i need you to talk to me and comfort me more.... especially tonight. oh please...