i take the next step only to slip on the

wet stone. i tumble from the near top

of the staircase back down to the bottom.

jack and jill went up the hill to fetch

a pail of water. jack fell down and

broke his crown and jill came

tumbling after. at least jack had someone

to tumble after him. someone to

empathize with him over his broken

crown.

i tumble and fall and it feels like forever

with the bumps and bruises that

seem to flourish on my skin. blooming

cuts and gaping holes to complete

the asymmetry of my body. i feel

like alice in wonderland except

this land is far from wonderful. far

from anything i would have dreamt.

i get angry at everything but myself.

i blame everything but myself. though

it's me that tumbles, it's me that is

wounded throughout this entire

debacle.

i listen to sad or angry songs in

hopes this feeling will leave me. so

i won't feel so invaded and taken

aback by these feelings slowly

creeping into me. the indifference.

the anger. the blame. the sadness.

i'm unprotected.

the grief continues to consume me

it hurts to breathe in, it feels like i'm

stretching some hard, plastic part of me

because i can't swallow the fact you're

not coming back; you're not going to

be there when i need a shoulder...

a hand, a hug, a heart, a tear, a pat

on the back. simple things that have

gone missing, that have left with you

because no one knew how to do

those things like you did. no one

knew me better than you did and no

one just knew what i needed.

you built me up and left me half-made;

rough around the edges still searching

for support to keep me from falling.

you took those calloused, arthritic hands

and that imp-like smile, that contagious

laugh and spirit... you abandoned me.

i've only had 18 years with you and

now that i'm 21, i'm missing those three

that you weren't around for. graduation,

passing my hard classes, saving someone's

life, getting engaged... you've missed it

all and you're the one person i've been

aching to speak to; to proclaim to about

how amazing life has been....

how amazing it has been even without you

here for me. to tell you how proud i am of

myself for being able to pull through it all.

to tell you that i feel so guilty for laughing

and smiling when i know that's the only

thing you want for me. to tell you that you

made me feel special and not alone.

to tell you that you were the best friend

i could have ever been blessed with and

that second to that, you were the best

father i could have been given.

happy birthday, daddy; i miss you so.

if you asked me if i would change the

past... i would. i would refrain from

speaking of my love for you and just

swallow it back each time it would

plan to escape from my lips.

i would accept your faults and maybe

you would be able to accept mine. i

would be happy with what i have and

learn to live with that fact.

however, that is not how it occurred.

if you asked me right now if we could

try being friends again, i would

have to politely decline because i

become irrational when i'm with you.

if you asked me if i ever stopped

caring, i would reply with a soft "no"

and be on my way; quickening my

pace so as to stop my heart from

running out of my mouth.

if you asked me if i ever stopped

loving you, i would reply with an

angry "never" because once you

love someone, that never goes away.

however, i would not think for one

second that we could rehash and

reconstruct the thing we once were

and that would slowly tear me

apart; more so than the fact i'll never

stop loving you, that i've never

stopped caring.

i would not put myself in front

of that army tank for the mere idea

that we could ever be anything

greater than we once were.

& maybe that's growing up.... knowing

that there was once greatness and

having that be just enough.

you act as if you don't know that i'm

talking about you. you speak as if

i have your support and friendship to

lean on if i'm in peril or need.

you frighten me. you make me feel

uncomfortable. you make me want

to run because you don't understand

how to speak to a woman who is

in a relationship.

i don't want to see a film with you

because you put your arm around me.

i don't want to be with you alone

because you like to touch me a lot.

i don't want to end up having to tell

you to leave me alone.

you are a fantastic friend and i wish

you could understand this.

i'll never love you like you want me to.

i'll never be with you like you want me to.

i'll never reciprocate those feelings like you want me to.

please; if you are my friend, you'll let this end.

i want to scoop you up and

hold you in my shaking arms.

i want to smooth your hair as

my tears drip down.

i want to kiss your reddened cheeks

as you breathe softly in.

i want to cup your face in my hands

as your sadness implodes.

i know where this ends and where

this begins.

i am frightened because i want to

shield this from you.

i want to take away this ache,

so you can smile again.

i want you to never feel

how i did.

i want you to find solace

in my embrace

just as i found in yours

the polished black stone in the pit

of my stomach gleams which makes

me more uncomfortable.

this dead weight feels like the world

but it seems to only be myself;

dragging my body place to place

and resting only when it deems

appropriate.

no feeling, no sadness, nothing but

an anger that swells and warms

the rock until it's a burning

ember; fueling my outbursts.

remember, remember, remember.

remember the science behind it,

remember the death of him,

remember to wrap the gifts,

remember my work shifts,

remember, remember, remember.

maybe i don't want to remember

any longer. maybe i want a moment

to do something selfish for myself

without having to feel guilty.

i want to live again, to smile for

a reason, not because that's what

people expect. i want to know

that i'm crying because i'm sad,

not because i'm too frustrated

to properly examine a situation.

i want to breathe.

i don't dream of you anymore.... i never get that lucky. you never grace me with your presence and i don't really think i believe in that kind of thing anymore, anyway.

fact of the matter: it's still hard. every patient i see, every middle aged man in his fifties... he somehow becomes like you. a man in a car, a man walking down the street.... i'm always constantly reminded that you're never here and every day it hurts. it hurts the same.

i'm still grieving; i'll never stop. i don't think i can ever forget you. sure... i don't remember your voice.... i don't remember how your laugh sounded. but i remember your eyes lighting up when you had something funny to tell me. i remember the way your arms gave me warm, bear hugs. i remember the smell of your pillow. i remember your crooked fingers because of arthritis but how those hands could be the gentlest instruments ever when you helped me with my school projects or when you sifted through your coin collection. i remember your wallet, worn down but it was a christmas present mom had bought for you; pieces of paper and business cards making the bulk of it from the people you met. i remember the little bald spot that was coming through on the back of your head. i remember the ants dance, the karate-chopping, the crow's nest.... i remember so much of you that it can't die. that it's going to live on through me and through my children and so on. you can never die.

i just miss you and i'm missing the things i'll never get to have with you. i know you'd be proud. i know you'd be rooting for me every step of the way. but it's like love. you know it's there... you know they love you... but sometimes you gotta hear it; i can't hear it from you anymore.

i don't know what to do about this, anymore. it still hurts the same.

i run in circles over you and

the memory that seems to

turn over and over in my mind.

like a broken record, a scratched

disc, this part of my life continues

to repeat and never give me peace.

i ache without your arms and my

voice barely exists without you

to power it with your words.

i cry without your shoulder and

each tear reminds me of how

they dripped onto your suit.

i held you as i cried and wanted

to crawl into the casket with

you so you wouldn't be alone...

so i wouldn't be alone... so i

wouldn't miss you so much because

i lost my motivation.

i lost everything when i lost you.