you would know what to say and what to do about this situation. you'd make everything right.

why is it i feel so alone now? why is it every time there's something in my life, it has to leave either by force or by will? when is there ever a point where life says, "just let her be. she's not okay anymore. she can't take this anymore!"

god, if you really are there? you can stop fucking with me now. i've lost two grandparents and my father. school's a bitch right now and i really don't need everyone in my life blaming me for crap i don't know. give me a fucking break for once. i don't need to be this strong. i need to have something in life that's easy. that's okay. that's an escape from this god damn hell of a life. okay?

i think i know what faith is now. not religiously, but in general... faith in someone, faith in the future, the outcome of life... i think i know what it means to have that inherent faith that seems to drive people because i can feel it inside. i can feel it leaking through the pores of my skin and sifting through the air slowly.

faith isn't just the belief or the hope that an event, that a person, that life... will act in the way you feel. that everything will turn out good... no, it's more so the two working in tandem. it's this belief that one day, it will all make sense as to why it had to happen that way but it's also the hope, when that belief is being threatened, when that belief is starting to fault. it's this driving force that keeps you in the know... like the rope tied to your waist with the other end tied to a tree so you won't lose your way in a dark cave. except this rope is never-ending.

i have faith that my life will be successful in the end; fruitful. that doesn't mean i sit and wait for it to happen.... i have to help it, i have to make it happen because faith in something you don't want to work for is not faith at all but a wish, a dream.

i have faith that i will see you again one day, as well. that i will turn my head and you'll be there, smiling with open arms. that doesn't mean i don't cry or grieve for my loss of your light. that doesn't mean i don't miss you with my being and wish you were here instead of gone... but i do have faith that that day wasn't the last time i was going to see you or speak to you. i have faith that you will be waiting for me with tears and open arms, knowing of my accomplishments, my disappointments, my failures and whatever else i will have done. you will love me regardless and i will finally tell you how much i have missed you, how much i love you and how proud of you i really am. i know, i have faith, that i will have that again because i want it so bad and because i am will to work for it.

until that day though, i will cry. i will miss you and i will wish every day of my life you were here to share it with me but i know you're here, watching. i know you're beside me wishing you could touch me just as much as i wish the same thing. i know you're still here because i can still feel you loving me.

i miss you dad, and i will see you soon. it's never goodbye, right?

once a little girl went to her
grade one class and sat down for
the morning, her lunch awaiting
her in the hall.

once the bell rang, she hurried
with the rest of the children to
fetch their lunches.

she opened hers and inside was
a special treat to the lunch and
a note cut into a heart.

"hope you have a good day.
love, daddy"

and so this little girl grew up
knowing the sweet things that
could happen and did happen
to her.

she loved her father and even
though he wasn't always near,
she could expect him to call her
every night.

soon the teenage years came
along and she grew annoyed
with these phone calls though
she took them nonetheless.

when she moved in with her father,
things were good for quite awhile.

she began worried for his illness
but in time grew to deny he would
succumb and he would make it
through.

thus, she sometimes turned down
walks with him to the grocery store.

and now, this girl would give anything
to have him ask her for another walk
for in the blink of an eye, he was gone.

no more phone calls, no more hugs, no
more laughter or invitations for walks.

she was left alone on the brink of adult-
hood where he could no longer be the
safety net in which she fell.

time had passed and yet she could never
fill that empty spot, that tugging in her
heart whenever she said it over and over
in her head, "he's gone."

" me not caring is the best thing happening to you"*

but what's funny, is that it was one of the best things that happened for me too.

*From Here - Jenny Owen Youngs

i wish i had the guts to tear you apart
from limb to limb metaphorically.
i apologize if my feelings and opinions
hurt you but you need to realize that
this is how i feel and if you want to be
my friend, you compromise.

& so i don't need indirect insults or
small snaps that make me feel less
than a doormat for a cat's litterbox.

no, i don't need you making me feel
any lower because you cannot look
to the positive in life.

you're not the only one suffering.

get over yourself.

maybe once you stop looking at
yourself constantly, you'll see
the brighter side to things.

i feel a warmth come close to my body and i breathe in deeply, feeling the most comfort i have in the past year. he isn't here so it can't be him and it isn't the cat and so i open my eyes slowly, hoping to see something that won't frighten me.

and it's you.

you're looking at me with sad but hopeful eyes and they're sparkling. the vivacity in your face, your posture is unmistakable. your face holds it's wrinkles still, your face still looks the same but brighter and healthier. you aren't skin and bones any longer, you have your muscle back and your beard is black as black as well as your hair; curly again.

i don't know what to do. i can't move and i open my mouth but close it, only to open it several times more to shut it in disbelief. you're standing before me, exactly what i wanted and i can't stop the bursting feeling in my chest. tears begin to spill over my eyes and i'm sobbing, my face wet and sweaty. you put your hand on my forehead and rub it a few times and i begin to feel even better. you cup your hands around my face then sit down beside me. i crawl into your lap and you hold me even though i'm 19 and you rub my back to calm me. i cry into your sweater and i clutch it with such a grip i swear i've stretched it. you look at me with such sincere eyes and you start whispering "shh" over and over.

i look up at you once the shock has passed and you smile. you breathe in deeply and i know you're going to say something weighty. i nod and rest my head on your chest as you speak. "bud, i'm sorry for what i've put you through. you already know how much you miss me and that's how much i miss you. i never wanted this for you so early in your life." i start to breathe quickly again and you shush me. you're not done. "i want you to know three things, heather. one is that i love you, so much that i wish i could come back. the second is that i am so, so proud of you and i hope you remind yourself of that every day of your life. and the last, is that i'm always going to be here. whether it's in a dream, in a memory, in a story you're telling someone else. that's me, there, just not embodied as you would like me to be. i will never ever truly leave you."

i cry more, i choke on my spit even and tell you that you can't leave. that i need you, like this, all the time. you shake your head very sadly and i can even see tears forming in your eyes. it's not possible and i feel bad for asking it of you. touching your nose to mine, you give me our special kiss and i smile with tears streaming down my face. i lay back and you calm me by rubbing my face as you used to when i was younger, whispering the parts of my face as i slowly drift off to sleep by the sound of your voice.

later, i wake up. never quite sure if it's a dream or not but i want to believe you were here and so... i do.

i don't know how to feel right now, to be honest. i want to laugh and smile and so i do... but i just don't feel it deep down inside like i should; it doesn't feel so meaningful. it feels like i'm lying to everyone too and that in itself is a horrible feeling. i want to be able to let it fall off me like sand from the beach that was once stuck to my wet body but has dried and is crumbling off. i mean, after losing three people that mean a lot to you, how could you not get used to it? how could you not get used to losing people that actually had a part in bringing you up?

and that's just it... it's not getting easier like everyone says it will. it just feels worse and worse and harder each day until the point i'm almost crying on the city bus on the way to see friends. there just seems to be some black hole, some big vacuum that is sucking the life out of me every day. i want to wake up and feel happy. i want to wake up and know my life is just going to get better by the second. thought i'm not sure how many people have that either....

i'm just falling apart inside. i feel like i'm collapsing slowly so no one will see; no one will help me. like how you got so happy and energetic before you died. nobody knew you wouldn't wake up from your nap and that's how i'm feeling... like i'm letting everyone see the better side of me because that's the last time you're going to see that part of me.

it's just that i don't think i can keep doing this. everyone thinks i'm speaking mentally, but i mean physically, dad. i mean that i don't think i can keep on losing so many people close to me and not have it take such a toll on me. i can't keep acting like i'm a strong person when it hurts every time to think of you, of poppi, and now, of nanny. what am i supposed to do without you guys in my life? what am i supposed to do now that you're gone? oh, i know i've heard it before... "live on" or "keep going." it's not that easy and you should know that because you didn't... right?

i'm burning bridges with everyone and it's slowly killing me. i need everyone around me. i need hugs, and random encounters and a little "tlc" here and there. something you could have offered but then again... if you were here to offer it i wouldn't be writing this, now would i?

you were so much of me, so how does everyone expect me to stand when half of what i was is gone?