the grief continues to consume me

it hurts to breathe in, it feels like i'm

stretching some hard, plastic part of me

because i can't swallow the fact you're

not coming back; you're not going to

be there when i need a shoulder...

a hand, a hug, a heart, a tear, a pat

on the back. simple things that have

gone missing, that have left with you

because no one knew how to do

those things like you did. no one

knew me better than you did and no

one just knew what i needed.

you built me up and left me half-made;

rough around the edges still searching

for support to keep me from falling.

you took those calloused, arthritic hands

and that imp-like smile, that contagious

laugh and spirit... you abandoned me.

i've only had 18 years with you and

now that i'm 21, i'm missing those three

that you weren't around for. graduation,

passing my hard classes, saving someone's

life, getting engaged... you've missed it

all and you're the one person i've been

aching to speak to; to proclaim to about

how amazing life has been....

how amazing it has been even without you

here for me. to tell you how proud i am of

myself for being able to pull through it all.

to tell you that i feel so guilty for laughing

and smiling when i know that's the only

thing you want for me. to tell you that you

made me feel special and not alone.

to tell you that you were the best friend

i could have ever been blessed with and

that second to that, you were the best

father i could have been given.

happy birthday, daddy; i miss you so.