in the morning before i wake i can feel you there, watching me. i can hear you breathing and i can hear a quiet snicker under your breath. your presence is defeating and as much as i want to wake and say hello to you my body is paralyzed with fear.

i think of the many things you were to me. a father, a friend, a confidant. you were more than you needed to be and i can feel your hand on my head. you run your fingers through my hair and i feel warmth igniting my body. i can feel your eyes watching me with nothing but love and adoration.

though i sense a heaviness about you. a weight that cannot be lifted and an impending sadness takes away the lightness. i can feel you start to fade with the sunlight. i can feel your hand no longer touching my hair, but your hand grasping for my arm, telling me it is time.

i wake in a cold sweat under a hot comforter. i look about the room and see nothing but the same old mess that seems to inhabit not only my room, but every aspect of my life. i put my hand to my head, feeling my hair, feeling my cheek. i can't feel you anymore.

so i look forward to those mornings. where i'm between half sleeping and half waking. where i can feel you watching me so delicately, wishing you could tell me the things you never got to say. this is where i can find solace in my day, in my life apart from you. where i start to think that maybe you aren't gone.

then the cold, hard reality hits and my peacefulness is gone. this is almost unbearable but enough to make me keep living. for those moments where no one can interfere. for those moments where i still have you by me. for those moments of absolute peace.