days are counting down and things are getting worse and worse. not only with you, dad, but with everything else. i wish you were here because i don't know what to do. i was honest, i was honest and trying my hardest to explain myself and it backfired anyway. i want to help this friend but he won't look up. he won't look at the brighter side of things and it ends up being a catastrophe.

you'd know how to talk to them... whether i should pursue it more, leave it alone, shake it off.... you would know these things.

it's just hard without you, you know? this month... these past few days... i've been crying, i've been upset constantly.... i just don't know how i'm going to get through another year without you here beside me. this one year was hard enough. this one year was brutal and i don't want... i don't need another year without your hugs, without your smiles and kisses. without your gentle touch and your advice that i need almost every day of my life.

dad, i need you so much right now. i'm sick of crying. i'm sick of having to look to the brighter side of things even though the brighter side of things is just a cloudy day. it's just overcast and not even the slightest sun shines through... but i do it. i do... and it kills me every day when i have to smile and joke around like i'm not hurting. it kills me every time i have to laugh and act as if i'm okay when i'm not.... but i do it. i try my hardest to work through it all and for what? i can't help my friends, i can't help myself, and i surely can't help anyone else.

i wish you were here dad. you'd know what to do, what to say... you'd make this better.



and i wouldn't be feeling as crumby as i have been for the past year.